She Would Have Been Nine

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Tomorrow our firstborn Faith would have been nine years old. Every year on her birthday we have a family day remembering her. Sometimes we go to the cemetery where she was buried. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes I'm in a funk a few days before. Sometimes on her birthday. Some years are better than others. I shared her story three times in the past 10 days when I spoke at a women's Christmas event and at MOPS groups. So Faith has been on my mind and heart a lot lately.

Today I was in a funk. Meanwhile, real life goes on. Laundry never goes away and my three little ones were driving me crazy. Shiloh was working so one of my college kids (we have a weekly college/young adults life group at our house) came over and played with the kids while I took a nap. So thankful. Thank you Dani. I love naps. Especially on days like this.

Tonight after church Elijah felt sick and puked for an hour before we could finally head home. Then he puked in the car some more (in a bag - hooray!). And then got home and puked some more. I've had to change his sheets twice in the last hour. I am hoping he is done for the night and feels better tomorrow. I am thankful he didn't puke during church or unexpectedly in the car. I am thankful that we have a washing machine. I am thankful that we have a car and a nearby grocery store. I am now stocked with Gatorade, bananas, bread, crackers, and Spy Kids 3 for when he can handle that action.

I guess our Faith family day will be hanging out at home. I am thankful we have a fireplace and a heater because I like warmth and it has been chilly in Nor Cal lately.

I wrote a song that my brother put music to and sang at Faith's memorial. Here it is . . . a few of your will relate to it. Death, puking, and a song that might make you cry. I guess you'll have to go read some of my other posts for a laugh today :)

Heaven Holds You

I remember the day we found out you were coming

I remember the day we found out you’d be gone

And each day now I wonder when you’re going

And some days I am barely holding on


But I know the God who created you

I know the God who wants to make you whole

I know the God who awaits you

And I know that heaven is your home


So for now I cherish each movement that tells me that you’re okay

And for now I cling to our Savior, who walks me through each day


You will always be our precious firstborn,

The one Daddy waited on for years

The one who Mommy hoped for

And someday you’ll wipe away our tears


Heaven awaits you

This was never really your home

Heaven awaits you

And there you will be healed

Though Mom and Dad will miss you… someday they will join you

Heaven awaits you


I will remember the time we shared with you

I will remember the time you slipped away

And now I know who is holding you

And giving me strength to carry on


I know the God who has rescued you

I know the God who has healed you

I know the God who now cradles you

But now a part of us is gone


Faith, we will always cherish you & we know that you’re okay

Now we’re desperate for our Savior, to carry us through each day


You will always be our precious firstborn

The one Daddy waited on for years

The one who Mommy hoped for

And someday you’ll wipe away our tears


Heaven holds you

Now you’ve made it home

Heaven holds you

And now you are healed

Though Mom & Dad miss you … someday they will join you

Heaven holds you


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Your Baby has a lot of Problems

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Some of you know the story of our firstborn child, Faith. Some of you walked with us through her life and death. Others of you know nothing. I do have a blog that gives a more detailed account of her story, but I thought I would do a snapshot so you can see who the baby is pictured on my header. I know there are a lot of women who have experienced lost. I hope this encourages you, ministers to you, brings you hope.

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The Year was 2002.

It was the year we joined the club.

The club that no one wants to join.

First pregnancy.

Twenty-week ultrasound appointment.

Doctor: "Wendy I need to be serious with you right now. Your baby has a lot of problems."

My heart stops.

Doctor then proceeded to tell us about the defects. First the cleft lip and palate. Then the hole in the heart. Then the omphalocele (basically when the intestines are on the oustside of the body - weird, I know).

Three midline defects. Must be Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18 she says. Most babies don't make it this far. Yours might not make it to birth, she says. If she does, probably won't live long. Most babies die in the first year. As if from a textbook we were told "Her condition was not compatible with life."

She's been a perintologist for over 20 years. Never delivered a Trisomy 13 baby because most people abort.

This was a human life. Imperfect. With defects. This was our baby. And yet, I can't say abortion didn't cross my mind even though I had always been so against it. It was always a black and white issue for me. I was shocked that it entered into my thoughts. I heard the whispers of the nurses. It was as if abortion was the only option. Who would choose to bring a suffering baby into this world? I didn't want her to suffer. But, what about the suffering abortion causes? I was torn. This internal wrestling match went on for less than 24 hours because ultimately I knew that God was in charge of human life, not me.

Man, I can remember the scene so clearly. What the room looked like. Where the phone was in relation to where I was lying because I had to pick it up and call my brother Kevin. I told him the news and asked him to call my parents.

We wept. We were devastated. We found out she was a girl. We named her Faith.

And yet, the peace of God that passes all understanding overwhelmed me even at that appointment. I didn't understand it. I was devastated. But because of what God had been teaching me and showing me the previous year, I knew that God was in control of this situation.

I had Acts 17:26 etched into my heart

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.

I knew God was in control even in this situation. He knew if she would make it to birth. He knew when she would go to her heavenly home. Peace.

I first prayed that she would just die in me. I didn't want to bond any further. My husband prayed fervently that she would at least live to see the light of day.

But God knew what I needed. And what my husband needed.

She was born 5 1/2 weeks early. She weighed 4 pounds, 4 ounces. A crying baby never sounded so sweet. We held her and loved her for four days straight. Then she got sick of us and ditched us for heaven.

It was my deepest pain and biggest blessing. Ironically, I experienced the presence of God and the love of God more than any other time in my life.

There is a lot more to the story so I have started a blog about our journey with Baby Faith with some of the highlights and lowlights.

I have yet to finish it, but one day I will.

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Remembering Faith

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Today our firstborn daughter, Faith, would have been 8 years old. Some of you know the story. Some of you walked with us through her story and blessed us greatly. Some of you know nothing of her story.

The short version of the story is that when I was 5 months pregnant with her we found out that she had Trisomy 13, which is fatal in most cases. She had three major midline defects. We didn't know if she would make it to birth. She did. We held her for four days and then she bailed on us to go hang out in heaven. I know a lot of you have babies who are in heaven with her. Whether miscarried at 7 weeks or stillborn or 49 days old . . . I think they are all eating birthday cake with Faith right now.

Not sure what we will do today, but we might just make a birthday cake. Happy Birthday to Faith. And thanks to God for giving us short, but sweet time with her on earth.

You can read more about Faith's story here. And one of these days I will do more updates to that blog.

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. Acts 17:26

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The Journey Into Motherhood

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Here is an excerpt from Chapter 2 of my book. The chapter is called "The Journey In: Are You Ready for This?" The excerpt follows an e-mail I received from a girlfriend who was in the midst of two years of infertility. It was an honest, heartfelt, painful e-mail about her struggle to get pregnant. You'll have to wait until you read the book to read her email, but suffice it to say it will probably make you cry even if you've never had infertility issues.

From Chapter 2:

Even as I reread this e-mail, tears come to my eyes. The thing is, we all start on different paths to the motherhood. But once we dive in, we’re all in. Once we decide we are ready (enough) to have children, our hearts are there. It’s like we are already moms. We may be a bit freaked out, but we are excited. We can’t wait to put on poundage (for a reason). We think all baby outfits are adorable, when the reality is that some are quite ugly. We see other pregnant ladies and feel an instant bond with them. We see a mom pick her temper-tantrum-throwing two-year-old off the floor at the grocery store and we think it’s awesome! (Or we think that when we have a child he will never do that!)

Many of you reading this know exactly what I am talking about. Months of trying to conceive turn into years of disappointment and doctor visit after doctor visit. Depressing. The financial strain, the stress on the marriage, the programmed intimacy, the awkwardness around all your pregnant friends, the toll on your body, the disappointment. Exhausting. Then you finally get pregnant only to miscarry. Crushing. And then you miscarry again. It’s more than you feel like you can handle. Or you never get pregnant at all. Devastating. None of us envision this as our journey into the motherhood. You wonder, “Why is it so easy for everyone else to get pregnant?”

The good news is that God has a plan for our pain. He wants to bring us peace that passes understanding. He wants to comfort us and reveal His love to us in a new way. I know this because I have lived it firsthand. I never had infertility issues. I never had a miscarriage. But when I was five months pregnant with our first child, I received disappointing news from the perinatologist as she looked at our baby on the ultrasound screen.

I was joking around with her when she stopped me abruptly. “Wendy, I need to be serious with you right now. Your baby has a lot of problems.” She then proceeded to tell us about defect after defect. First there was a cleft lip and palate. Then there was the hole in the heart. Then it was the omphalocele, where the intestines are on the outside of the body. All of these midline defects led the perinatologist to conclude that our baby had Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18, each a rare chromosomal abnormality that happens at conception. (An amniocentesis later confirmed that our baby had Trisomy 13.) Our baby was likely to die soon, but no one knew exactly when.

Man, I can remember the scene so clearly. What the room looked like—ugly. Where the phone was in relation to where I was lying. I clearly remember picking up the phone in that dimly lit room and calling my brother, Kevin. I told him the sad news and asked him to call my parents, because I didn’t think I could handle making that call. I knew how crushed they would be.

Although we didn’t initially intend to find out the gender of our baby, we changed our minds after the ultrasound revealed the grim prognosis. Up to this point we had not decided on a baby name, because that requires marital counseling. However, there was one name that my dad had previously suggested that neither Shiloh nor I vehemently rejected. I vividly remember when they told us she was a girl. We knew she was “Faith,” the name my dad had proposed. We knew it would require faith to carry her to term (the vast majority of Trisomy babies are aborted) and that she was a gift from God.

(28 weeks pregnant with baby Faith)

Even though I was devastated about our daughter’s condition, the Lord brought me peace. Acts 17:26 came to my mind right away. A verse that the Lord had been engraving in my heart over the previous year. And I had no idea why . . . until then. “From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.”

God knew the exact place our daughter was going to live. Or if she was going to live. He was in control. One of the amazing ironies about hardship and grief is that scriptures can come alive in a personal way. Verses you have heard or read over and over become completely tangible. In the midst of instant grief, I had peace. Here is what I journaled the following day:

9/5/03—Certainly it was not the news we expected. However, I think God has been preparing me for this for many months. I have been learning over and over again that He is in control of everything. And so even as the doctor was telling us this terrible news I felt peace. I knew that God had chosen us on that day to deal with this baby and her problems. Strangely, I even feel special and honored that in a 1 in 7,500 chance God would chose us to take on this challenge and give us the opportunity to glorify Him. So, I can even be thankful in this situation.

I understand that this was my experience. Not everyone immediately experiences the peace of God in the midst of intense pain. As I look back, I find it hard to imagine now that I felt “special and honored.” But I did. That had to be from the Lord. Because who can manufacture those thoughts and feelings in a situation like that?

I know not everyone is able to see the Romans 8:282 “good” that God is working in all things for those that love Him. And if someone tries to “give” you that verse in the midst of your trial, feel free to whack him or her upside the head. But in the midst of your infertility struggle, your miscarriage, your terminal pregnancy, or the loss of your baby—God can be trusted. He has not abandoned you.

I won’t pretend to fully comprehend God’s purpose or plan for infertility, miscarriage, a stillborn infant, or infant loss. I don’t always understand His ways, but time and time again He has proven faithful and trustworthy. He is at work. He has big plans for you both into and on your motherhood journey. Look up.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Is. 55:8-9).

Only a few more days to pre-order the book through me for ten bucks plus shipping and packaging. After that, it will cost four thousand dollars so you should probably get it now. I have gone through the first round of revisions and now it's in the hands of the typesetters. Still not sure when it will be ready for the world, but I am hoping within a few months although it could be as late as September.

P.S. If you are interested in hearing more about my journey with baby Faith you can check out the podcast called "Good Grief" on my website.

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Happy 7th Birthday Faith

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Friday, December 11th, would have marked our baby Faith's seventh birthday. Last year we had a family day in San Francisco to mark the occasion. This year we kept Elijah home from school and mostly stayed around home and relaxed as a family. We looked through some of Faith's stuff - blankets, shadow box, photo album and a ton of cards from friends and family. Go to my Faith blog to hear more of her story.

When Jordis went down for her nap Lydia and I slipped out to the movie theater to see "The Frog and the Prince." In true Disney fashion there was a major dark side to the movie. The bad guy was a voodoo/witch doctor who cast a spell on the prince and turned him into a frog. And there were evil ghost spirits, scary skeleton heads and the like.

Most of the movie followed two frogs. I am sure that they turned into a prince and princess at the end, but we didn't make it that far. About an hour into the movie she said, "I want to go home."

I don't think she was scared. I think she was a bit bored. She came to see a princesses, not frogs. This was her first time seeing a movie in the theater. You may remember that we tried to take her to see Under the Sea on Valentine's Day, but she completely freaked out.

We ended the day with the cable guy. That's right folks, after over a year hiatus cable is making a comeback in the Hagen household. This was not a birthday present to Faith. It's just when they could come hook it up.

It will be interesting to see how much we actually watch it. A lot of people have told me that "Modern Family" is the show to watch. Elijah is beside himself about being able to watch basketball on TV. If you have any other recommendations, besides the ever so tweeted about "Glee," let me know.

** You've got one more day to comment on my "Clean Water" post. Remember, I will donate $2 for every comment! How easy is that? Go there.

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Your First Gift - Clean Water

Pin It Now! I know I am not blogging this week so once again, this is just a dream. And it's timely. I guess I picked a bad week to "go dark," huh?

From water4christmas.com (italics from me)

Every day, 4500 mothers bury their children due to contaminated water. They are forced to sustain their families with a diabolical liquid that contains both life and death. This lack of clean water is the leading cause of death in underdeveloped nations. And it just doesn't have to be!

Before you go buy a bunch of junk that no one needs, stop. Think outside of your comfortable life and think about how awesome it is to have a glass of water when you are thirsty. And then think about drawing that water from a muddy creek where cows just pooped. And then think about your kids bathing in that water before bed. And think about your kids coming out of their rooms for the ninth time asking for their "last drinks!" And you hand them a glass of cloudy, bacteria infested, cow poop water and send them back to bed. How can we live in a world where people DIE from lack of clean drinking water? So lame. Ten bucks can make a difference.

And today, November 13th, we are buying water. Clean, life-saving water.

$10 will provide one person in Africa clean water for 10 years. It will literally change and possibly save someone's life. A mother. A child. A brother. A grandfather.

We are rallying together for a cause. Clean water. One day. $10. Asking everyone to let this be their first gift. Let water, let life be their first gift of the season.

Click here to donate.

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Hollywood Days - Faith

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Yesterday I said my blog was going dark for a week. Technically it still is. You are not reading this right now. It's a dream. In your dream you go to Sarah Mae's blog Like A Warm Cup of Coffee where you will find my guest post about my time in Hollywood and my faith.

Why the photo of the crazy static hair? Because weird things happen in your dreams.

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Our Baby Faith

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Yesterday was national Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. I never even knew there was such a day. December 11th is normally my special day of remembrance for our sweet baby Faith. It is the day she was born. The day we met her face to face. It is a day I will never forget as we were unsure if we were ever going to be able to hold her. At five months pregnant we found out that she had severe midline defects which indicated Trisomy 13 or 18. An amnio confirmed that she had Trisomy 13, most likely a fatal condition. Of those born alive with Trisomy 13, 80% die in the first month. We were devastated. And yet, I experienced the peace of God like never before.

I usually get bummed around her birthday. Miss her. Long for her. Wonder what she would be doing if she were still with us. But I also have hope on that day. And I have joyful memories of the way God carried us through that pregnancy. Ironically, when I was carrying a baby that was going to die, I understood the love of God like I never had before. His presence and concern for my life was evident time and time again. When I was at my lows and felt like I couldn't go on, He met me there. He brought the right people into my life to say the things I needed to hear ... just when I needed to hear them. Not a moment of my pain and suffering was wasted. God had purpose in my pain. I started a blog about my journey with baby Faith. I still haven't finished it, but it details some of those amazing experiences. We were blessed to hold her for four days before she made her way up to heaven. Last week I spoke at Mothers Together about grief. I shared my story. I also shared ways you can help people as they walk through grief. Here is the podcast if you feel like crying ... and laughing.

My heart goes out to those who have lost babies. God has not forgotten you. No tear has gone unnoticed. I don't understand it all, but I know God has purpose even in our pain. Look up.

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