Monday, May 03, 2010

I'm Not in Love with you Anymore - Part 2

Pin It Now! Wasn't planning on a part 2 on this delicate topic, but here I am. Thank you for all of your comments. There were two that really encouraged me and confirmed to me that this was something that needed to go from my head and heart onto paper. Well, virtual paper anyway.

Would you join me in praying for Jody and Anita has they fight for their marriages? That is what I am talking about. Fighting for your marriage, even when it sucks. Even when it's painful. Even when you've been wronged. Even when you feel like you don't have the energy to do the work. Even when you are emotionally drained. Even when whatever is on the other side of that window seems like it would be much better than where you're at.

Jody and Anita and whoever else out there is struggling - we are cheering you on from the sidelines!

Here are Jody & Anita's comments:
appreciated this. In the valley fighting with everything we have for our own post-infidelity marriage. Believing in our own resurrection miracle. Truth like this is like hearing cheers from the sidelines...thank you.

Awesome post, Wendy! Unfortunately, I'm in the same "boat" as Jody... or at least it seems like I am from her very brief comment. (If you happen to have a way to contact her, could you please let me know and/or please give my email address to her? Thx!)
I'm clinging to the cross and Jesus' love, and I'm seeking to find peace in Him alone.

I don't know any more details to their situations, but I want to share a few stories of hope that might be of encouragement to them and others.

I have two close girlfriends whose husbands cheated on them. I have so much respect for both of them for sticking it out, even when they had biblical grounds for divorce. Just because we have the biblical release from our marriages still does not mean divorce is what's best. Again, sometimes divorce is merited, but the point is to seek direction from God's word and the Holy Spirit (and they will not be in conflict), not from your emotions.

(I have changed names to protect their privacy and I chose names that probably don't belong to you or anyone you know. And I am really shortening the stories - trying to just give you the most relevant info.)

In the case of "Blogger" (the husband) and "Wordpress" (the wife), Blogger was having an affair with a woman who he thought he was "in love with." The marriage was in a bad place and eventually they went to counseling. It took several sessions for Blogger to finally admit he was cheating on Wordpress. And Blogger was not willing to give up his affair. Bottom line - by God's grace, and only by God grace, Wordpress fought for Blogger. Even as he was constantly rejecting her. She was repenting in her part of the mess (her lack of respect for him, her love affair with her job/success, her belittling of him, etc.). And Blogger would not budge. He moved out and carried on his affair for months. I was in awe of the way Wordpress sought the Lord. It was amazing and beautiful and inspiring . . . and it was in the middle of such ugly circumstances. Even though Wordpress had biblical permission to leave Blogger, she did not have permission from the Holy Spirit who was speaking to her a lot. Many friends and family told her that there was no hope for the marriage. Divorce him. I don't think I ever personally told her that I thought she should divorce him, but there were definitely times when I thought it was what she should do. But she listened to God's direction instead of anybody else's. That was about 7 years ago. Of course, their marriage is not perfect now. And even after Blogger cut off his relationship with the other woman and committed to working on the marriage, they had marriage problems. Major hardships. But here they are seven years and two kids later. Experiencing the blessings of obedience. I know they would both say it was worth the fight.

Our other friends "Chicken Wing " (the husband) and "Brownie" (the wife), went through something similar. Chicken Wing was having an affair with a woman who he thought he was "in love with." He was about 3 months into this affair and on his way home from a business trip. On an airplane. And the Holy Spirit just completely convicted Him. It was like he woke up. And there he was on this plane crying over his sin. His wife had no idea. So Chicken Wing went home and called his brother in Christ and told him of the situation. Awesome brother in Christ said something like, "Are you gonna tell her? Chicken Wing responded, "I need to." Friend said, "If you don't tell her I will. I love Brownie way too much to have you tell me this and not her."
And here's an actual quote from Chicken Wing, "That time and the airplane experience were the two occurrences that really woke me up. I know what I did was horrible, but to have someone else reveal it to her would have been even more horrible. I knew I had to face it not matter how hard it would be. And if that meant no Brownie, I had to live with that."
It has been hard, of course. Especially because of the infidelity, but they are committed to making their marriage better than it was before.

Believe it or not, I also have respect for the cheater--when he/she repents. To humble himself (even though it took Blogger a long time to get there) and submit himself to God. To wake up and accept the forgiveness that awaits him from some. And to face the stones that are thrown at him by others. Yes, he blew it big time, but to be able to come back from that a better person - to experience God's grace. And to fully recognize how in need of grace you are. Powerful. To surrender your emotions and feelings to God - the ones that tell you that are really in love with your mistress and you should be happy and you should follow your heart and you deserve more than what your wife gives you. That takes courage and strength.

Jody & Anita - thank you so much for your honesty. I have been praying for you a lot today.

And lastly . . .
We are all capable of infidelity. If you think for one minute you are not capable of having affair, then you might just be the next to fall. Guard your marriage. Guard your heart. Guard your email interactions. Guard your facebook/twitter connections and interactions. Guard yourself with your co-workers.

Now go love on your spouse even if he/she is bugging the crud out of you!

**Go here for Part 3 of this series.
Pin It Now!


Emily said...

I'll be praying for Anita and Jody! May God bless you both in this fight for your marriages! May He give you the strength, peace and comfort you both need at this time.

Nancy said...

Such a difficult situation and one worth fighting for, that is for sure. Well done on bringing this sensitive topic to life and into prayer.

Amy said...

another good one Wendy.

Tegan and Tage said...

Please feel free to give those ladies my email address. I have my share of experience with this subject.

Anonymous said...

I admire all of those who have had the faith and courage to fight for their marriage. I have been the child through the same situations, and have seen a lot of what some of you are talking about, so I actually know what pain you are going through. We will pray for you and know you will get through this through the strength God can only provide.

Nicole@motherhoodconfessions said...

This was so good! It inspired me to write up about infidelity on my own blog!!! Thank you for having the courage to speak God's Truth in this area.

Kristen said...

Have you read Sarah Markley's blog? Amazing...and all along the lines of what you are talking about here. Read it.

And what keeps going through my mind today is a children's song that goes something like: "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing that my God can't do" We're teaching our children that OUR GOD can do anything. Do we believe it in our own lives???

TDM Wendy said...

Thanks for praying.
Yes so worth the fight.
Miss you at Bible study.
Thanks for your willingness to share.
Good point about the children. When children are in the picture it complicates things greatly. Both in the decision to stay in the marriage or get out. That's why it is so important to seek God at all times. Because even in a difficult season, the children do not need to witness ugliness, disagreements, fighting, etc. But they can see there parents working, loving, committing.
Tough stuff for sure.
Will check out your post!
I have popped in on her blog a few times. I know she was unfaithful and they worked it out. She is a great resource in this area. And I love that song. I have a really cute video of my kids singing it.

"Miss" Anita said...

I shared this post and "Part 1" with my husband. All the comments and prayers are very much appreciated! Thank you, thank you!

May God receive all the glory.

mel @ the larson lingo said...

Okay, I am finally catching up on blog reading! Love these 2 posts Wendy, you are awesome way to preach it! I will be praying for Anita & Jody and for God to continue to work in their (and all of our) marriages.

Jen said...

My husband and I (both Christians) married when I was 17 and he was 18. We loved each other very much and together brought seven children into the world.

Then, 18 years into our marriage, selfishness and sin convinced me that I deserved better than the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with at the tender age of 17.

With unrighteous indignation I asked him to move out and filed for divorce.

"I deserve to be happy", "My children deserve to have a happy mother" and the song "I Will Survive" were my constant meditations and I became so ugly that I actually resented my children's reaction and despair of having their lives ripped apart.

Four months after our divorce was final, the Holy Spirit convicted and completely healed the union that God created between us. It happened to both of us in the same spontaneous moment as he was returning the children one weekend.

It was as if God removed the scales satan so cleverly placed in our eyes and we realized that the problems we encountered in our marriage still haunted us after the legal dissolution of our marriage.

I realize this brief description may sound vague and nonsensical but the end result is that we both got on our knees before the Lord and repented for rejecting Him and each other.

Four months later we remarried in a ceremony with seven of the happiest children in the world.

I just wanted to say that it's never too late for God to restore what the enemy has destroyed and when we are weak, God's strength is made perfect.

God has placed in me a passion for intercessory prayer for marriages. Jody and Anita... I will be praying for miracles for you both.

And Wendy? Thank you for sharing your heart, being real and saying it like it is.

TDM Wendy said...

Thanks so much for sharing!