Renewing of Vows - SURPRISE!

Pin It Now! Last weekend we were in San Diego for a renewing of vows ceremony for some of our best friends.

(Most of these photos are by Shauna at Studio 7.)

It was a total surprise to the wife. All of it. I mean, who would expect her husband would scheme behind her back and coordinate an extraordinary event for your 13 1/2 year anniversary?

Here's a recap of how it went down.

1. The groom, who we'll call Russ, had been thinking about and planning this for several years.

2. He arranged to have about 45 people come in from around the country and put them up in a hotel in Carlsbad, CA.

3. He had their friend and interior decorator arrange stuff for the reception and decorate. Absolutely gorgeous.

4. They were on vacation in San Diego and the bride, who we'll call Stacy, thought she was going to a spa day at Los Willos in Fallbrook for her sister-in-law's birthday.

5. She went into a room for her spa treatments and there was a DVD playing that her husband made. I didn't see the video, but I imagine it went something like this, "You are the best thing ever. Best wife. Best mom. You're hot. I love your guts. And I want to renew our vows. I have 3 dresses for you to choose from. Get all dolled up and then let's do this. Right now. It's on."

6. Stacy came out of the room in utter shock. Crying the ugly cry. A few moments later I walked in with my video camera rolling. More ugly cry. I will spare her and not post that video here, but she was weeping like a baby. I won't spare her the ugly cryin' photo.

7. Then a few of us got all done up. I got hair, makeup and nails! It was so dreamy. I get my hair and makeup done every 13 years so it was such a treat!!! Thank you Russ!

8. Ceremony: Bride and her daughter cross over a small lake on a boat. Groom and their son meet the up with the gals as they get off the boat.

9. The pastor who married them performs the ceremony. More surprise and tears for Stacy.

10. Beautiful reception. Good food. Gorgeous and tasty cake.

11. Russ plays guitar with talented worship leader and sings "Hold Us Together." Meanwhile their 9 year-old accompanies on the piano and their 7 year-old . . . forgets her tambourine. So Shiloh downloads a tambourine app on my iphone and she taps it into the microphone.

12. DVD of photo montage that Russ made plays for everyone. Final song on the DVD is "Always" by Grammy award-winning Switchfoot, Stacy's favorite band. Ours too. (You might remember Elijah's meltdown when we told him we went to a Switchfoot concert without him.)

13. Worship leader stands up and leads everyone in prayer.

14. Prayer over. Eyes open. Jon Foreman (lead singer of Switchfoot and ridiculously talented songwriter/musician) is on the piano singing "Always." (If you are not familiar with Switchfoot or this song, do yourself a favor and check out this video.) More shock and ugly crying for Stacy.



He goes on to sing four more songs accompanied by amazing celloist Keith Tutt.

15. The End. Russ goes down in husband history.

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When Valentine's Day Stinks

Pin It Now! This is a repost from last May, but I think it is inappropriately appropriate for Valentine's Day. Because for some married couples Valentine's Day stinks. I want to encourage you to love your spouse anyway. Respect your spouse anyway. Read on . . .

-----

Warning: This is not a typical post from me. It's not light-hearted and funny and there are no Hollywood babes in it. But it is something that has been on my heart for months. And it needed an outlet. And since blogging is cheaper than therapy here you go . . .

I don't know about you but when I married my husband I made a lifelong commitment. I think I said something like "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in good breath and bad. . ." I have never been to a wedding where the bride and groom said, "I am so in love with you and I will stay married to you until those feelings fade or when you get on my nerves or when you look like this:"

And I never heard this at a wedding: "I will stay married to you until you bug me, don't fill my emotional tank, or my feelings of being "in love" with you go away. Then I will have an affair. I will tell you that there is nobody else. I will tell you I am just not in love with you anymore. I might even lie to myself and tell you I never was in love with you."

I am so sad (and a little ticked off) at marriages crumbling all around me. You are not meeting my needs so I am outta here! Shiloh and I are seeing this happen in at least one of our friends' marriages every year. I know men leave their wives, but in almost every case of people we know (thinking of six off the top of my head) it has been the women who are bailing out. Ditching their husbands, shutting out any girlfriends who would speak truth into them, and neglecting their children. All the while these women have deceived themselves into thinking they are putting their children first. Furthermore, some of these moms are acting as though they really miss their little ones when they are out out partying with their girlfriends. And some moms post those party pics on facebook along with a new, sexy profile pic. Meanwhile, Dad is devastated and so are the kids. Heartbreaking.

Don't get me wrong - marriage is hard work. I know that some of you are in cruddy places in your marriage and you feel alone, hurt, hopeless, frustrated. Some of you have been there for a long time. I know both the husband and the wife play a part in the marriage being rocky and vulnerable for an affair or divorce. But it is usually one person who decides to exit the marriage. If you are that person please don't give up! Don't quit. Do the work. Get counseling. Swallow your pride. Get on your knees. You might say I've done all that. Do it again and again. God is bigger than your marriage. There is hope and purpose even for the worst of marriages. But you have got to stick it out and surrender yourself to God. You cannot change your husband, but God can! (If you or your children are being abused-- that is a different story. Get out of that house! Seek counseling.)

You might be thinking,

Easy for you to say. What do you know little Lassie girl? You have a wonderful husband who throws triple surprises for you on your 34th birthday, gives you nutrient comments on your 10 year anniversary trip to the Penta Water Factory, and takes your kids on adventures all the time so you can have a break from the motherhood.

Yes, I do have a great husband and I totally dig him. However, I don't dig him the way I did when we were first dating/married--as clearly depicted in this photo.

I don't think about him all the time and wish he were with me every second (sorry Shi) the way I did back then. Those type of feelings do not last forever! I love him more deeply and in a different way than I did back then, but it is not the butterfly, crazy, don't-even-need- sleep, type love. And although we are in a good place in our marriage we still have days that are rough and we have our issues. Our marriage is not perfect.

And about five years ago I went through a two-year period where I really didn't like Shiloh. He bugged me a lot. I thought he was moody a lot. Didn't really enjoy spending time with him. What happened after two years? I don't know. I have my theories. Shiloh has his. (Including his theory that he was the same as he always has been. I beg to differ). But regardless of what caused the "I don't like you" we would have never seen the other side of that season if one of us jumped ship. Yes, that was a season that was often frustrating and unenjoyable. But it was aseason and we all go through them. Some of our seasons are longer than others, but that is when real, legitimate, Christlike loves surfaces. Love is commitment. Not adrenaline. Not hormones. Not infatuation. Not butterflies.

Women (and men), this has got to stop! There is sooooo much long-lasting, collateral damage when we leave our spouses! Always. Yes, there is grace for everyone. And if you are divorced there is grace and forgiveness and healing. But as I am sure you will attest to--there is also damage that cannot be undone. If you went through a divorce that you did not want, my heart hurts for you and God wants to put the pieces of your heart back together.

Before you going thinking, Yes, but... but what about this situation? You don't know my situation. Isn't it worse for the children if we stay together when we are always fighting? I don't have all the answers and I don't know your particular situation. And yes there are some situations that merit divorce. Your situation is between you and your Maker. But you might have a tough time pleading your case before Him-He created marriage and He's for it.

But Wendy! God wants me to be happy so . . .

Please show me that verse in the Bible because I can't find it.

I am not saying that God wants you to be miserable, but if you are a follower of Jesus then follow Him. Pursue Him first, not happiness. Following Him will bring you ultimate peace and joy, but the road to get there is not always easy. Sometimes obeying God is painful and unpleasant at the time. We don't always understand His ways, but He is God. (Isaiah 55:8-9) And God loves you so much. Seek Him.

DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR MARRIAGE!

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

Go here for an awesome sermon on marriage by Pastor Chris Brown.

Here are my 3 favorite marriage books:

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

Go here for Part 2 of this Series.

And if my husband is still reading this . . .
Happy Valentine's Day! I love you and am committed to you for life . . . even when you totally bug. Not saying you are buggin' right now, but you know what I mean. I love you, I love spending time with you, I love how you provide for our family, I love how you adore our children, I love your smile, I love when you take out the trash before it is overflowing. I love being Mrs. Hagen.
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When Your Husband Calls You Fat

Pin It Now! Has your husband or boyfriend ever stuck his foot or perhaps his whole leg in his mouth? How about on a special date or 10-year anniversary trip? When you were pregnant?
Yeah, mine too.

This is the intro story I told to my talk about living in process and not perfection when I spoke at a women's event last August.



If you are interested in having me come speak at your church's women's event about my "nutrients" and what not, email me! I have some availability in the second half of the year. Pin It Now!

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I'm Not in Love with you Anymore - Part 3

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This is another follow up to my marriage posts "I'm Not In Love with you Anymore." If you missed, go read Part 1 and Part 2.

(This is my mom and dad on their wedding day, Sept. 10, 1966)

Here is a poem that my dad wrote in 1975. It was the year I was born. I am okay with the fact that I probably caused the need for a gardener. It goes hand-in-hand with the whole "Oops, I guess we're having a third child." But I'm totally okay with that too especially since I have an "oops baby" and I totally dig her.

STARTING OVER

Where are all the flowers we grew here yesterday?

Did we forget to feed them? Have they really gone away?

It's awfully hard to tell for sure, with all these weeds around.

I think they must still be here, somewhere in the ground.

We had a lovely garden; I can't believe it's gone.

It sparkled in the moonlight and glistened in the dawn.

Was yesterday so long ago that we forgot to care?

Did we let our flowers die? It doesn't seem quite fair.

Maybe if we talk to them, and to each other, too.

Maybe if we take the time to pull a weed or two,

Maybe we can change our yard to what it used to be.

Do you think it's worth it, being gardeners, you and me?

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I'm Not in Love with you Anymore - Part 2

Pin It Now! Wasn't planning on a part 2 on this delicate topic, but here I am. Thank you for all of your comments. There were two that really encouraged me and confirmed to me that this was something that needed to go from my head and heart onto paper. Well, virtual paper anyway.

Would you join me in praying for Jody and Anita has they fight for their marriages? That is what I am talking about. Fighting for your marriage, even when it sucks. Even when it's painful. Even when you've been wronged. Even when you feel like you don't have the energy to do the work. Even when you are emotionally drained. Even when whatever is on the other side of that window seems like it would be much better than where you're at.

Jody and Anita and whoever else out there is struggling - we are cheering you on from the sidelines!

Here are Jody & Anita's comments:
Jody:
appreciated this. In the valley fighting with everything we have for our own post-infidelity marriage. Believing in our own resurrection miracle. Truth like this is like hearing cheers from the sidelines...thank you.

Anita:
Awesome post, Wendy! Unfortunately, I'm in the same "boat" as Jody... or at least it seems like I am from her very brief comment. (If you happen to have a way to contact her, could you please let me know and/or please give my email address to her? Thx!)
I'm clinging to the cross and Jesus' love, and I'm seeking to find peace in Him alone.

I don't know any more details to their situations, but I want to share a few stories of hope that might be of encouragement to them and others.

I have two close girlfriends whose husbands cheated on them. I have so much respect for both of them for sticking it out, even when they had biblical grounds for divorce. Just because we have the biblical release from our marriages still does not mean divorce is what's best. Again, sometimes divorce is merited, but the point is to seek direction from God's word and the Holy Spirit (and they will not be in conflict), not from your emotions.

(I have changed names to protect their privacy and I chose names that probably don't belong to you or anyone you know. And I am really shortening the stories - trying to just give you the most relevant info.)

In the case of "Blogger" (the husband) and "Wordpress" (the wife), Blogger was having an affair with a woman who he thought he was "in love with." The marriage was in a bad place and eventually they went to counseling. It took several sessions for Blogger to finally admit he was cheating on Wordpress. And Blogger was not willing to give up his affair. Bottom line - by God's grace, and only by God grace, Wordpress fought for Blogger. Even as he was constantly rejecting her. She was repenting in her part of the mess (her lack of respect for him, her love affair with her job/success, her belittling of him, etc.). And Blogger would not budge. He moved out and carried on his affair for months. I was in awe of the way Wordpress sought the Lord. It was amazing and beautiful and inspiring . . . and it was in the middle of such ugly circumstances. Even though Wordpress had biblical permission to leave Blogger, she did not have permission from the Holy Spirit who was speaking to her a lot. Many friends and family told her that there was no hope for the marriage. Divorce him. I don't think I ever personally told her that I thought she should divorce him, but there were definitely times when I thought it was what she should do. But she listened to God's direction instead of anybody else's. That was about 7 years ago. Of course, their marriage is not perfect now. And even after Blogger cut off his relationship with the other woman and committed to working on the marriage, they had marriage problems. Major hardships. But here they are seven years and two kids later. Experiencing the blessings of obedience. I know they would both say it was worth the fight.

Our other friends "Chicken Wing " (the husband) and "Brownie" (the wife), went through something similar. Chicken Wing was having an affair with a woman who he thought he was "in love with." He was about 3 months into this affair and on his way home from a business trip. On an airplane. And the Holy Spirit just completely convicted Him. It was like he woke up. And there he was on this plane crying over his sin. His wife had no idea. So Chicken Wing went home and called his brother in Christ and told him of the situation. Awesome brother in Christ said something like, "Are you gonna tell her? Chicken Wing responded, "I need to." Friend said, "If you don't tell her I will. I love Brownie way too much to have you tell me this and not her."

And here's an actual quote from Chicken Wing, "That time and the airplane experience were the two occurrences that really woke me up. I know what I did was horrible, but to have someone else reveal it to her would have been even more horrible. I knew I had to face it not matter how hard it would be. And if that meant no Brownie, I had to live with that."

It has been hard, of course. Especially because of the infidelity, but they are committed to making their marriage better than it was before.

Believe it or not, I also have respect for the cheater--when he/she repents. To humble himself (even though it took Blogger a long time to get there) and submit himself to God. To wake up and accept the forgiveness that awaits him from some. And to face the stones that are thrown at him by others. Yes, he blew it big time, but to be able to come back from that a better person - to experience God's grace. And to fully recognize how in need of grace you are. Powerful. To surrender your emotions and feelings to God - the ones that tell you that are really in love with your mistress and you should be happy and you should follow your heart and you deserve more than what your wife gives you. That takes courage and strength.

Jody & Anita - thank you so much for your honesty. I have been praying for you a lot today.

And lastly . . .

We are all capable of infidelity. If you think for one minute you are not capable of having affair, then you might just be the next to fall. Guard your marriage. Guard your heart. Guard your email interactions. Guard your facebook/twitter connections and interactions. Guard yourself with your co-workers.

Now go love on your spouse even if he/she is bugging the crud out of you!

**Go here for Part 3 of this series.

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I'm Not in Love with you Anymore

Pin It Now!

Warning: This is not a typical post from me. It's not light-hearted and funny and there are no Hollywood babes in it. But it is something that has been on my heart for months. And it needed an outlet. And since blogging is cheaper than therapy here you go . . .

I don't know about you but when I married my husband I made a lifelong commitment. I think I said something like "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in good breath and bad. . ." I have never been to a wedding where the bride and groom said, "I am so in love with you and I will stay married to you until those feelings fade or when you get on my nerves or when you look like this:"

And I never heard this at a wedding: "I will stay married to you until you bug me, don't fill my emotional tank, or my feelings of being "in love" with you go away. Then I will have an affair. I will tell you that there is nobody else. I will tell you I am just not in love with you anymore. I might even lie to myself and tell you I never was in love with you."

I am so sad (and a little ticked off) at marriages crumbling all around me. You are not meeting my needs so I am outta here! Shiloh and I are seeing this happen in at least one of our friends' marriages every year. I know men leave their wives, but in almost every case of people we know (thinking of six off the top of my head) it has been the women who are bailing out. Ditching their husbands, shutting out any girlfriends who would speak truth into them, and neglecting their children. All the while these women have deceived themselves into thinking they are putting their children first. Furthermore, some of these moms are acting as though they really miss their little ones when they are out out partying with their girlfriends. And some moms post those party pics on facebook along with a new, sexy profile pic. Meanwhile, Dad is devastated and so are the kids.

Don't get me wrong - marriage is hard work. I know that some of you are in cruddy places in your marriage and you feel alone, hurt, hopeless, frustrated. Some of you have been there for a long time. I know both the husband and the wife play a part in the marriage being rocky and vulnerable for an affair or divorce. But it is usually one person who decides to exit the marriage. If you are that person please don't give up! Don't quit. Do the work. Get counseling. Swallow your pride. Get on your knees. You might say I've done all that. Do it again and again. God is bigger than your marriage. There is hope and purpose even for the worst of marriages. But you have got to stick it out and surrender yourself to God. You cannot change your husband, but God can! (If you or your children are being abused-- that is a different story. Get out of that house! Seek counseling.)

You might be thinking,

Easy for you to say. What do you know little Lassie girl? You have a wonderful husband who throws triple surprises for you on your 34th birthday, gives you nutrient comments on your 10 year anniversary trip to the Penta Water Factory, and takes your kids on adventures all the time so you can have a break from the motherhood.

Yes, I do have a great husband and I totally dig him. However, I don't dig him the way I did when we were first dating/married--as clearly depicted in this photo.

I don't think about him all the time and wish he were with me every second (sorry Shi) the way I did back then. Those type of feelings do not last forever! I love him more deeply and in a different way than I did back then, but it is not the butterfly, crazy, don't-even-need- sleep, type love. And although we are in a good place in our marriage we still have days that are rough and we have our issues. Our marriage is not perfect.

And about five years ago I went through a two-year period where I really didn't like Shiloh. He bugged me a lot. I thought he was moody a lot. Didn't really enjoy spending time with him. What happened after two years? I don't know. I have my theories. Shiloh has his. (Including his theory that he was the same as he always has been. I beg to differ). But regardless of what caused the "I don't like you" we would have never seen the other side of that season if one of us jumped ship. Yes, that was a season that was often frustrating and unenjoyable. But it was a season and we all go through them. Some of our seasons are longer than others, but that is when real, legitimate, Christlike loves surfaces. Love is commitment. Not adrenaline. Not hormones. Not infatuation. Not butterflies.

Women, this has got to stop! There is sooooo much long-lasting, collateral damage when we leave our husbands! Always. Yes, there is grace for everyone. And if you are divorced there is grace and forgiveness and healing. But as I am sure you will attest to--there is also damage that cannot be undone. If you went through a divorce that you did not want, my heart hurts for you and God wants to put the pieces of your heart back together.

Before you going thinking, Yes, but... but what about this situation? You don't know my situation. Isn't it worse for the children if we stay together when we are always fighting?

I don't have all the answers and I don't know your particular situation. And yes there are some situations that merit divorce. Your situation is between you and your Maker. But you might have a tough time pleading your case before Him-He created marriage and He's for it.

But Wendy! God wants me to be happy so . . .

Please show me that verse in the Bible because I can't find it.

I am not saying that God wants you to be miserable, but if you are a follower of Jesus then follow Him. Pursue Him first, not happiness. Following Him will bring you ultimate peace and joy, but the road to get there is not always easy. Sometimes obeying God is painful and unpleasant at the time. We don't always understand His ways, but He is God. (Isaiah 55:8-9) And God loves you so much. Seek Him.

DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR MARRIAGE!

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

Go here for an awesome sermon on marriage by Pastor Chris Brown.

Here are my 3 favorite marriage books:

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

Go here for Part 2 of this Series. Pin It Now!

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