I am so thankful our marriage counselor warned me about what was to come with my son. During one of our sessions he said something like "Up until about age 10, your kids think you are a god and goddess. And after, they pull away and are way more into their friends."
As I have watched my sweet Elijah pull away over the last year or so those words echo in my head and I am able to cry and think this is normal? all at the same time. And I also start to understand why empty nesters get dogs and then totally obsess over them. It's like we were created for that deep connection with another human being - where we are the caretaker, the nurturer, the provider, the teacher, the love giver. And in turn, they give us unconditional love and teach us more than our brains can handle. And when the parent/child thing doesn't work out so neatly anymore, we get a dog.
And yet, I know this is just the beginning of the emotional hard stuff of parenting so many older moms "encouraged" me with when mine were all in carseats and diapers. "You think this is hard, just wait 'til they get older. Little people, little problems." or "What you are doing is physically tiring, but what's ahead is emotionally tiring." I get what they were saying and yet I would argue that 270 days of potty training a strong-willed child and dealing with a son who ate a live toad is physically and emotionally exhausting.
I guess what I am trying to say, is parenting is always hard and I am having a mid-life parenting crisis. Major parenting growing pains right now happening up in here. If you are in the same boat right now then maybe you will feel more normal hearing me spill my guts. And if nobody can relate to my this, please let me know so I can seek the professional help that I need.
Historically, I have not really been an anxious person. But now, I may have turned the corner. And I have to fight it. I have thoughts of "we should have just homeschooled him and never let him watch tv/movies and never let him out of the house to protect him from all the bad stuff and bad influences (besides our own sinful selves) in the world!" Is it too late for that? He loves the song "Ceiling Can't Hold Us" and doesn't care about the bad words that are even the clean version of the song. I used to think he could be a pastor with his sweet heart for the Lord. Now I am questioning if we have done enough to influence him spiritually. I have thoughts that he might be a drug addict considering how obviously addicted to sugar and video games he is and what a hard time he has controlling his temper and managing his emotions when he does't get his way. Right now we regulate his sugar intake and screen time - but will that backfire on us? As the reigns get loosened will he choose to self regulate? And am I loosing the reigns enough and in the right areas because that is so important - we raise them to release them, right? We teach them to make good choices and hope when they grow up they will make good choices. And yet, sometimes along the way, they need to fail and make bad choices and learn and grow from them. And we should not rescue them all the time. But he's my baby and I don't want to see him hurt or in jail or on drugs.
Because in a year-and-a-half he will be in junior high. And he will walk to school with friends and some friends will have phones with internet access. And you know what the internet has on it? A lot of bad stuff. And why do my kids fight so much? What am I doing wrong? And also, I cannot keep up with the laundry and dishes and cooking and field trips and forms and reading logs and yard duty. And I am I the worse mom ever? And somedays (like this past Sunday) I just want to quit. THIS PARENTING THING IS NO JOKE. Are you with me?
I'm struggling right now, but I am pressing on. Because my husband gives me good pep talks when I am melting down. And I am praying like crazy throughout the day that God would give me strength and wisdom and HELP! And I turn to Him to calm my anxious heart with His truth. Like this verse. Clinging to it.
"Give your attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
This morning the hard thing that came up was when Elijah and I were about to leave for his 10-year "well" doctor visit . . . he threw up. Another day in the motherhood, my friends.
I CAN DO THIS!
YOU CAN DO THIS MY TOTALLY DESPERATE MOM FRIENDS!
Pin It Now!
As I have watched my sweet Elijah pull away over the last year or so those words echo in my head and I am able to cry and think this is normal? all at the same time. And I also start to understand why empty nesters get dogs and then totally obsess over them. It's like we were created for that deep connection with another human being - where we are the caretaker, the nurturer, the provider, the teacher, the love giver. And in turn, they give us unconditional love and teach us more than our brains can handle. And when the parent/child thing doesn't work out so neatly anymore, we get a dog.
And yet, I know this is just the beginning of the emotional hard stuff of parenting so many older moms "encouraged" me with when mine were all in carseats and diapers. "You think this is hard, just wait 'til they get older. Little people, little problems." or "What you are doing is physically tiring, but what's ahead is emotionally tiring." I get what they were saying and yet I would argue that 270 days of potty training a strong-willed child and dealing with a son who ate a live toad is physically and emotionally exhausting.
I guess what I am trying to say, is parenting is always hard and I am having a mid-life parenting crisis. Major parenting growing pains right now happening up in here. If you are in the same boat right now then maybe you will feel more normal hearing me spill my guts. And if nobody can relate to my this, please let me know so I can seek the professional help that I need.
Historically, I have not really been an anxious person. But now, I may have turned the corner. And I have to fight it. I have thoughts of "we should have just homeschooled him and never let him watch tv/movies and never let him out of the house to protect him from all the bad stuff and bad influences (besides our own sinful selves) in the world!" Is it too late for that? He loves the song "Ceiling Can't Hold Us" and doesn't care about the bad words that are even the clean version of the song. I used to think he could be a pastor with his sweet heart for the Lord. Now I am questioning if we have done enough to influence him spiritually. I have thoughts that he might be a drug addict considering how obviously addicted to sugar and video games he is and what a hard time he has controlling his temper and managing his emotions when he does't get his way. Right now we regulate his sugar intake and screen time - but will that backfire on us? As the reigns get loosened will he choose to self regulate? And am I loosing the reigns enough and in the right areas because that is so important - we raise them to release them, right? We teach them to make good choices and hope when they grow up they will make good choices. And yet, sometimes along the way, they need to fail and make bad choices and learn and grow from them. And we should not rescue them all the time. But he's my baby and I don't want to see him hurt or in jail or on drugs.
I'm struggling right now, but I am pressing on. Because my husband gives me good pep talks when I am melting down. And I am praying like crazy throughout the day that God would give me strength and wisdom and HELP! And I turn to Him to calm my anxious heart with His truth. Like this verse. Clinging to it.
"Give your attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
This morning the hard thing that came up was when Elijah and I were about to leave for his 10-year "well" doctor visit . . . he threw up. Another day in the motherhood, my friends.
I CAN DO THIS!
YOU CAN DO THIS MY TOTALLY DESPERATE MOM FRIENDS!
Welcome friends, family, randoms, lurkers, blog addicts, fellow desperate moms, and Bono. This blog consists of mostly funny stuff that will make you feel better about yourself. Lots of mom comedy, non-Kodak moments, and un-fashion tips. On Wednesdays I write about my life as a former childhood actress complete with posts about how the entertainment business works, actors I met (or stalked), people and animals I worked with, my Hollywood friends, and photos of former teen heartthrobs. And if that’s not enough to draw you in to follow me . . . I have done some amazing giveaways. A rubber chicken, millions of doll hairs, and unlimited supplies of air. Come join the party.
18 comments:
Im with you! Motherhood for me is a princess at 15, and 3 knights 10, 5 & 5. I fear the world for my 10 year old...
I feel your pain, Wendy. Mine is a year younger than yours and already he pulls away. It is hard on a mama's heart. I understand all your fears about media, time on devices, friends, words at school - my boy seems drawn to bad boys and bad words. He has been singing the "Blurred Lines" song and I was like "Where did you hear that?!!" Anyway, so thankful that you are open and honest because I know I am in the same boat as you, and it encourages my heart.
Please remind me of this in 2 years! My oldest is a girl turning 8 on Monday. Anyway, I heard someone say once that the goal of raising kids isn't for them to be independent, it is for them to take their dependence from us (their parents) and switch it to dependence on God. I thought that was a great, true thought...but, then the guy didn't say how to do that. Sheesh...
Becky, I totally know how to do this. Become a parent!
Maybe our boys could start a boy band.
We are not alone!
This was timely for me to read. I've always said it gets so much harder with parenting. I watch our oldest turn 10 and change so much-so much it physically hurts. Sigh. And every year you get farther away from them being babies and closer to the "release." Painful and honestly it's brutal. I agree with you. Wish there was an easier solution. Thanks for sharing your struggles. It's nice to read others have the what if moments too and the breakdown times.
I hear you Wendy, and you most definitely are not alone! http://mybeautifulnoise.blogspot.com/2014/01/god-give-me-strength.html
My kids are still young, but I am a high school teacher. I have seen so many parents echo your same sentiments, and I can promise you this: your kids LOVE you and want you to be exactly who you are. Loving, protective, silly, firm, etc. Your son will go through these ups and downs (as will the rest of your kids... there is no easy way to be a parent!). You cannot protect him from everything. What matters is that you love him unconditionally and don't let him see you sweat.
And also.... don't let him pay for his own cell phone! The cell phone is the great equalizer. Promise.
I love your blog and all your Instagram pics! Hang in there.
Thanks for chiming in that I am not alone :)
Thank you.
You mean - don't let him pay for his cell phone so you have more leverage to take it away when needed? I think that is so true to focus on - providing unconditional love (and security).
Thank you. Xoxo
xoxo back at your Monica!
HI Wendy, I think all mothers would have liked to turn in their resignation at some point during the child rearing years. while it is hard for mom when children pull away, it also has healthy signs attached to it. It shows they have the confidence and self esteem to want to be more independent. It would be more concerning if they are too "tied to mom's apron strings" and not want to do anything on their own and try new things and stay home all the time. I love the Proverb (in my words), "Raise a child in the way he should go and when he is old(mature) he will not go from it." It is wise and true. God is preparing you for the day your son gets married and a new woman is the main lady in his life and mom drops to the lower end of the totem pole. Those are another whole set of emotions. You are doing all of the right things and your kids are very emotionally healthy, smart and caring. thanks for sharing.
God loves your son more than you do! That is hard to fathom as a parent, but true.
Try dropping the belief in god and feel a weightless freedom like nothing you can even imagine. You are a wonderful parent and you are successful because of YOU. Your kids are going to be just fine. Don't worry about disappointing someone who may not even be there.
I love your honesty, Wendy. Yes, parenting is so hard. It hurts when they start to pull away and become more independent. Yesterday, one of my sons said he wanted to be a professional YouTube personality for a career, and I pretty much thought I was a failure of a parent... not because I have something against YouTube, but because I want him to fully use the gifts God has entrusted him with. Anyway, I had a minor freak out and told him that was disappointing, and then I freaked out because I was being so discouraging. Anyway, just to encourage you and myself, we are in it for the long haul, and each day is a new day and a new chance to encourage our kids and help them to become all God made them to become. Day by day, step by step. :)
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