Faith Not Compatible with Life

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The Year was 2002.

It was the year we joined the club.

The club that no one wants to join.

First pregnancy.

Twenty-week ultrasound appointment.

Doctor: "Wendy I need to be serious with you right now. Your baby has a lot of problems."

My heart stops.

Doctor then proceeded to tell us about the defects. First the cleft lip and palate. Then the hole in the heart. Then the omphalocele (basically when the intestines are on the oustside of the body - weird, I know).

Three midline defects. Must be Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18 she says. Most babies don't make it this far. Yours might not make it to birth, she says. If she does, probably won't live long. Most babies die in the first year. As if from a textbook we were told "Her condition was not compatible with life."

She's been a perintologist for over 20 years. Never delivered a Trisomy 13 baby because most people abort.

This was a human life. Imperfect. With defects. This was our baby. And yet, I can't say abortion didn't cross my mind even though I had always been so against it. It was always a black and white issue for me. I was shocked that it entered into my thoughts. I heard the whispers of the nurses. It was as if abortion was the only option. Who would choose to bring a suffering baby into this world? I didn't want her to suffer. But, what about the suffering abortion causes? I was torn. This internal wrestling match went on for less than 24 hours because ultimately I knew that God was in charge of human life, not me.

Man, I can remember the scene so clearly. What the room looked like. Where the phone was in relation to where I was lying because I had to pick it up and call my brother Kevin. I told him the news and asked him to call my parents.

We wept. We were devastated. We found out she was a girl. We named her Faith.

And yet, the peace of God that passes all understanding overwhelmed me even at that appointment. I didn't understand it. I was devastated. But because of what God had been teaching me and showing me the previous year, I knew that God was in control of this situation.

I had Acts 17:26 etched into my heart

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.

I knew God was in control even in this situation. He knew if she would make it to birth. He knew when she would go to her heavenly home. Peace.

I first prayed that she would just die in me. I didn't want to bond any further. My husband prayed fervently that she would at least live to see the light of day.

But God knew what I needed. And what my husband needed.

She was born 5 1/2 weeks early. She weighed 4 pounds, 4 ounces. A crying baby never sounded so sweet. We held her and loved her for four days straight. Then she got sick of us and ditched us for heaven.

It was my deepest pain and biggest blessing. Ironically, I experienced the presence of God and the love of God more than any other time in my life.

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