This morning I actually got out of my pajamas dressed up a little bit... because I had to help out my Mom at work. When Shiloh saw me he said, "Honey your legs are looking pretty white."
First of all, DUH. My legs have been in hibernation for quite some time and I am the fairest in the land.
Secondly, how come nobody evernotices comments on the grassy knolls found on my knees? (Raise your hand if you have perfected the art of shaving your knees? Patch free? How about the straglers down by your ankles? I see. No hands are raised. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!)
But instead of responding, "Duh," I said, "Maybe I should put on some tanning lotion." As if that works instantly.
My adoring husband said, "How about some pantyhose?"
I am not sure which surprised me more - the fact that he used and knows the word pantyhose or the fact that he suggested that I wear them. I mean, I know I am a desperate Mom, but at which point do I totally hold up the white flag and surrender my youth and vitality? It starts with the pantyhose and then goes into Mom jeans and Christmas sweaters with matching dangly reindeer earrings. Next thing you know I am wearing bright pink lipstick, popping Tums like candy and shopping at Chico's. I have to draw the line at my DMV.
Shiloh pointed out my whiteness to my Mom (who gave me my whiteness AND wears pantyhose) and said "Don't you think she needs some hose with those white legs?"
Mom replied, "I have tanning lotion."
Phew. Thanks Mom.
Sorry for the blinding glare friends, but I will not wear hose. I will not wear hose. I will not wear hose. Yet.
Why the weird poses for the hoses? Cuz I'm crazy like that.
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First of all, DUH. My legs have been in hibernation for quite some time and I am the fairest in the land.
Secondly, how come nobody ever
But instead of responding, "Duh," I said, "Maybe I should put on some tanning lotion." As if that works instantly.
My adoring husband said, "How about some pantyhose?"
I am not sure which surprised me more - the fact that he used and knows the word pantyhose or the fact that he suggested that I wear them. I mean, I know I am a desperate Mom, but at which point do I totally hold up the white flag and surrender my youth and vitality? It starts with the pantyhose and then goes into Mom jeans and Christmas sweaters with matching dangly reindeer earrings. Next thing you know I am wearing bright pink lipstick, popping Tums like candy and shopping at Chico's. I have to draw the line at my DMV.
Shiloh pointed out my whiteness to my Mom (who gave me my whiteness AND wears pantyhose) and said "Don't you think she needs some hose with those white legs?"
Mom replied, "I have tanning lotion."
Phew. Thanks Mom.
Sorry for the blinding glare friends, but I will not wear hose. I will not wear hose. I will not wear hose. Yet.
Why the weird poses for the hoses? Cuz I'm crazy like that.
Welcome friends, family, randoms, lurkers, blog addicts, fellow desperate moms, and Bono. This blog consists of mostly funny stuff that will make you feel better about yourself. Lots of mom comedy, non-Kodak moments, and un-fashion tips. On Wednesdays I write about my life as a former childhood actress complete with posts about how the entertainment business works, actors I met (or stalked), people and animals I worked with, my Hollywood friends, and photos of former teen heartthrobs. And if that’s not enough to draw you in to follow me . . . I have done some amazing giveaways. A rubber chicken, millions of doll hairs, and unlimited supplies of air. Come join the party.
10 comments:
I think there is such a thing as spray hose? I remember seeing it in the mags but I don't have anymore details....
Wendy you look great!! How are you getting so skinny so quickly??? :)
Love it! I never realized pantyhose are a gateway drug to the middle age mom danger zone. Thanks for the Heads Up!
Okay, so SOMETIMES people have to wear hose in their 30's AGAINST THEIR WILL because they're pregnant for the 4th time in 5 years (I know you can relate) and their veins start popping out of their leg and it's either maternity compression hose or a blood clot. I waffled on the decision, because seriously... compression hose at 30? And then I got over it. I'm rocking these baby's until July. Not to fear. A blog post will be soon dedicated to the topic so you can see just how fashionable hose can be these days... haha.
Cami, TOTAL exception for the pregos of the world. Medical necessities don't count. Keep those veins to yourself and please show me your hose at church.
I'm so glad you said no and you are not that desperate...yet!
LADIES - JUST SAY NO TO HOSE!
Unless, they're opaque tights, an elaborate fishnet or design...then you're ok.
In fact, tights made a big comeback this winter...I'm sure you could rock them into spring in the 'Ville!
Oh, you can be sure I'll flash these hot little numbers at you at church. I might even let you snap the very large and highly elastic waistband, just for kicks. I don't let just anyone do that you know. I can hear your gleeful giggle of anticipation now. BTW, you'll have to go check my blog and see my vegetable oil fiasco. It'll make you feel so much better about pureed broccoli on your slipper.
I'm glad you gave the pantyhose the Heisman. Pantyhose are B-A-D bad, especially with open toe sandals (like you were sporting in your photo). Break out the lotion with the gradual tanner in it and be on your way :)
Hey! I found this stuff called "Palmer's Leg Gloss" It's a tinted moisturizer. It covers up 'imperfections' and gives you a nice amount of color.
I found it at Grocery Outlet? for $3.49.
My new 'cancer free' way to get color~and never wear hose.
hahahahahhahahaha dude.
stay strong.
don't give in to the hose!
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